Red flags, boundaries and unhealthy dynamics often bring to mind romantic relationships, but there has been a growing recognition that these same principles matter just as much in friendships. The warning signs – like putting in all the effort, or feeling like you are in constant competition – can show up in any relationship, whether with a partner, friend or family member. To help you spot these patterns and know what to do if you see them in your friendships, we asked psychologists for their insights.
Meet the experts
- Dr. Louise Goddard-Crawley, a chartered psychologist
- Hendrix Hammond, a consultant relationship psychotherapist and director of Conversational Partners Ltd
1. You’re always the one reaching out
Have you looked back through your messages and realised that you are the one initiating every conversation? If every “how are things?”, plan suggestion and check-in comes from you, that’s a telling pattern. Friendships do naturally ebb and flow. Still, consistent one-way initiation is worth noticing.
Dr. Louise Goddard-Crawley, a chartered psychologist, believes that healthy friendships require effort from both parties. “That doesn’t mean things need to be perfectly balanced all the time. Life happens, and there will be periods where one person has less capacity than the other. What matters is whether, over time, there is a sense of reciprocity,” she says.
Louise claims that if you find contact comes only from you, and this has lasted a long time, it may tell you something about the investment in the friendship. “Healthy friendships involve both people making attempts to stay connected because the relationship matters to them,” she says.
What to do about it
“It may be worth gently raising the issue and letting them know how you’re feeling. Sometimes friends aren’t aware of the impact a pattern has had, and an honest conversation about your needs can create an opportunity for things to change.” Louise says.
Louise adds that if this pattern is firmly established and nothing changes, try to step back and observe. Notice what happens when you stop carrying the friendship. “Sometimes the information we need comes from watching whether the relationship continues to function without our constant effort,” she says.
2. Your problems get sidelined
Have you noticed recently that when you do talk, the conversation somehow always circles back to them? You start to share something difficult, and within minutes the focus has shifted? In a mutual friendship, there should be room for both people’s highs and lows.
Louise says a good way to judge a relationship is to ask if both people’s needs matter. “Friendships often involve taking turns. Sometimes we need support, and sometimes we provide it. If conversations consistently return to your friend’s experiences, concerns or achievements, leaving little room for your own, it can create a dynamic where you feel more like an audience than an equal participant,” she says.
“This doesn’t necessarily mean your friend is selfish or uncaring. Sometimes friendships drift into patterns where one person’s needs take centre stage without either person consciously noticing. And when that happens, the feeling of being unseen tends to do its damage quietly, eroding closeness and trust long before either person has named what’s changed.”
What to do about it
Louise says it can help to be more direct about needing support rather than waiting for it. “If your experiences continue to be overlooked, it may be worth reflecting on whether the friendship is currently providing the mutual care that healthy relationships tend to require,” she says.
3. They’re only around when it suits them
Does a certain friend only appear when they need a favour, a listening ear or a plus-one? Are they mysteriously unavailable when you need the same? This behaviour can make you feel like a convenience rather than a valued friend. Over time, this can grow hollow.
Louise says there’s a common idea that real friendships should be unconditional. A true friend shows up regardless of what they need or want in return. “It’s a generous idea, but it can also hide something important. Healthy friendships, like healthy family and romantic relationships, involve mutual consideration and reciprocity,” she tells me. “Unconditional love is not the same as unconditional availability. Expecting someone to always give without receiving is its own kind of imbalance.”
“If plans always happen on their terms or are frequently abandoned when something more appealing comes along, it may be worth sitting with an uncomfortable possibility: that the friendship simply occupies a different level of importance for each of you. That isn’t a moral failing on either side, but it is worth knowing,” she continues.
What to do about it
Louise says that instead of accommodating the pattern, try setting clearer boundaries. Pay attention to what happens next. “Healthy friendships can usually tolerate honest conversations about disappointment. If the relationship only works when one person’s needs consistently take priority, that tells you something too,” she says.
4. You leave interactions feeling drained, not uplifted
Pay attention to how you feel after spending time together. If you consistently leave feeling tired or undervalued, notice that your emotional energy may be going only one way.
Hendrix Hammond, a consultant relationship psychotherapist and director of Conversational Partners Ltd, says you may also notice physical signs in your body, including sighing or tension in certain areas. “These signals can indicate that you are taking on more than you can handle in these moments or that your emotional capacity is already full, making it difficult to absorb anything additional.”
What to do about it
The first step is self-reflection, Hendrix says.”Ask yourself what specifically about the interaction leaves you drained; are you feeling pressured to show up in a particular way or do you notice patterns that you do not always have the emotional capacity to engage? There are a number of practical approaches to managing this.”
Hendrix says to try to set clearer boundaries by stating your needs directly. “You might tell your friend you’d prefer not to discuss certain topics as you are not in the headspace or that you can only chat for 20 minutes. Patrick King has a very helpful book called ‘Establishing Boundaries’, which can be a helpful resource to support people developing better boundaries in their relationships.”
Hendrix finally suggests having an honest conversation, since they may not know how their behaviour affects you. “A vulnerable discussion can often transform the dynamic. Use this conversation as an opportunity to renegotiate how you relate to each other, creating new terms that work for both of you. Feeling drained isn’t necessarily a sign to end the friendship; it’s a signal to pause, communicate your needs and actively work toward a healthier way of relating.”
5. You find yourself making excuses for their behaviour
“They’ve just been busy.” “That’s just how they are.” “I probably caught them at a bad time.” Occasionally, yes. But if you’re constantly rationalising why a friend isn’t showing up for you or downplaying the impact of their behaviour, that’s your instincts talking.
Hendrix says this may also show a defensive response, and that this can stop you from acknowledging the effect their actions have on you. “This tendency might indicate that you are prioritising their needs over your own,” he says.
What to do about it
Hendrix advises first that you take a moment to reflect on why might you be approaching it this way. “You might have heard of the term ‘people pleasing,’ so consider asking yourself if you’re putting others’ needs first and accommodating them because you’re worried about letting them know how their behaviour has affected you,” he says.
In his work with clients, Hendrix has often noticed that there can be a reluctance to communicate openly about hurt, disappointment or unmet needs because people fear conflict, rejection or being seen differently. “Instead of making excuses for someone else’s behaviour, pause and ask yourself: ‘What emotions do I feel when this friend acts this way?’ ‘What might I be avoiding?’ ‘If I stop making excuses, what thoughts or feelings come up?’ If you do this, you might realise you’ve neglected your own needs and the chance to express them. You may have focused so much on understanding or protecting others,” he says.
Sometimes, we spend so much time trying to explain away another person’s behaviour that we lose touch with our own emotional experience. “This does not mean you are difficult, needy, or ‘too much’. In fact, you might benefit from being able to express your needs to this friend and communicate when something has hurt you. I know that taking this relational risk can make you feel vulnerable, but in my experience, it often leads to healthier and more emotionally honest friendships,” he says.
6. They meet your good news with indifference (or thinly veiled competitiveness)
Sharing exciting news with a friend, only to be met with a swift subject change, a lukewarm “oh nice,” or a response that somehow pivots back to them, is one of the more quietly deflating experiences in friendship. A good friend should find it easy to be genuinely happy for you. If your wins are consistently minimised, ignored or met with a hint of one-upmanship, it’s a sign that the friendship may lack the generosity and warmth on which real mutual support is built.
Hendrix says this can seem like a lack of enthusiasm for your achievements or a disappointing response. “They might even compare their accomplishments to yours or downplay your successes. This behaviour may indicate underlying insecurities the friend might be experiencing or it could suggest that you are not aligned in how you would like to support one another,” he says.
What to do about it
Hendrix suggests approaching this with curiosity first. “You might gently raise the pattern with your friend and ask what is happening for them when you share good news, especially if you often leave those conversations feeling disappointed. This can open up a meaningful dialogue about how you would like them to respond, and it may also reveal that they have been carrying something you were not aware of,” he says.
Hendrix also warns that envy is a normal human emotion, though many do not know when it affects them. “Taking a relational risk by having an honest conversation can feel brave, but it may also strengthen the friendship and support a healthier connection. You could also set the scene in advance by saying you have something important to share and would really appreciate their support. If they struggle to respond in the way you need, that is useful information too. Often, people’s reactions say more about what is going on for them than about you, including their own insecurities or struggles, which can sometimes spill into the friendship.”
